The Christmas Fudge was perfect, the tree decorated, cookies baked, and we were full of expectation for a wonderful time together. All six of our children were coming home for Christmas, along with spouses and our two grandbabies. We couldn’t wait. I was making dinner when my husband John went out to get the mail, returning with assorted Christmas cards, fliers for local businesses, and a letter from our youngest daughter.
“Dear Mom and Dad,” he began, after opening the small white envelope. He read out loud a familiar greeting and the fact that she had a lot to tell us but would keep it short and sweet. While I stirred the rice, his voice tapered off. Void of expression he read until the end, the paper almost too heavy to hold, soon fell to his side.
After thirty-one years of marriage, you know when something is wrong. “What?” I asked. “What is going on?” He lifted the paper toward me, turned and walked out the door. Unable to handle his own grief, let alone, watch me digest what was now our new reality. A reality we never saw coming.
By the time we received the handwritten note, our adventurous nineteen-year-old daughter, we had thought was living in Tennessee, would be settled into an East Coast apartment with her husband, a young man whom we had never met.
I turned the letter over in the hope that is was a hoax or prank. It wasn’t. 
For us, it was like watching someone we cherished walk, with an open hand, toward a flame and not able to do anything to prevent touching it.
I felt shattered from the inside out, like a person pushed from a tall building, landing like a gelatinous blob on the sidewalk below, and lived. Everything hurt.
I no longer wondered about all the things I did wrong.
I wondered if I had done anything right.
As I watched her come back for the Holidays, pack up the rest of her belongings, and leave, all I could ask was WHY? While it is easy to hope for some Hallmark ending, sometimes silence is the answer we have to settle for. The fact is, she is an adult now, the decision was hers. We have no choice but to accept it.
So, I pick up a broom and begin to sweep the shards of raw emotion into a pile.
It is a pain that brings parents to their knees. A pain that makes childbirth seem like a walk in the park. An anguish shared by others who have silently cried into tear stained pillowcases.
“Faith is the strength by which a shattered world shall emerge into the light.” Helen Keller
I think about the Lord, our Heavenly Father, and how many times I have broken His heart. Strong willed decisions made without fully understanding the consequences have no doubt been something that He has endured on my behalf countless times. And yet, because of His unconditional love, He waited. Time and time again he looked toward the horizon with unfathomable forgiveness and mercy. So will we.
Are you broken? Maybe, like me, you feel like your life is nothing but a barren wasteland. If you have ever gone on a road trip, think endless miles in the Utah salt flats, void of anything living or life sustaining.
Desolate and lonely.
Even in our brokenness, God is there.
Sometimes the only thing we can do is trust Him with our shattered pieces and wait for the streams.
I had to give my oldest son into Gods hands
He was 15 and was becoming a father
He see God in lives around him, he is going through many trials.
He also has seen me go through trials but I keep the Lord in front of me for I have stumbled but keep up right because God is always there to put me back on my feet.
My why this has happpened to my son, it way not how I raised him Gods way may not be known ever to me.
God has a plan
God is laying his hands on and into the clay and it is being molded into — only he knows
God had you and John plant seeds of his love in our children’s life.
You did as he asked.
Watch in wander
Always be there if needed
In other words
Let it go, let it go…….
And keep on praying?
Excellent writing! Beautiful way to express the pain most parents feel at some time in their life. Been in that desert. Waited months listening to my own breath and wondering when God would whisper in my ear.
Any relationship at some point will feel those shattering moments. Most of us, spouses, parents, children and sometimes even friends never realize that our decisions do impact the lives of those we love. We can never completely sever the hopes and dreams that others have for us. When we make decisions, those loved ones will either feel our excitement as we win or be brought down by our sadness when we fail. Every decision we make either hurts someone or excites someone. It’s a tough and harsh lesson to learn but it is true, “No man is an island”.
Praying daily for you.
Marci, thank you for sharing your pain, and so honestly and artfully. The Lord bless you richly, friend.
I wonder what your deep down feeling was. If it were me, it might have been a mix of betrayal and abandonment with a smattering of bewilderment. Thanks for sharing. With God, all things are possible.
Your post grips my heart as if I’d been in the kitchen with you. However, I know that a beautifully written post doesn’t diminish your pain and the struggle to walk this out.
The Christmas holidays brought more than you expected, but this was no surprise to God. He has a hold of your daughter and is working in her life too!! I’m praying your sorrow will turn into joy.
Oh Precious friend! I know this is hard. Kids will make mistakes, but give them some time (by the time their 30 or 40?) and they will realize and start maturing in ways you’ll be shocked at. God doesn’t waste any pain, either in you, or in them. Being open handed without any negative input will go a long way to opening up communication and restoring a good relationship. They won’t want your criticism, only your unconditional love. It’s one of the toughest things there is in parenting. Hang in there, Marci! You are loved!
We give them roots and wings… and sometimes they fly much sooner than we would like. Hugs!
This is beautiful, Marci. Thank you for sharing it and giving us the privilege of sharing this painful journey with you.
I remember the many times during the difficult time with my son, when I held myself together until everyone was in bed and then went out to the back yard, looked up at the dark sky and wept, begging God to intervene. Reflecting back, I remember how present He felt. I couldn’t do a thing to change the situation, and when I did try it blew up in my face because my words came from such a “What are you thinking?!?!” desperate, angry, fear-driven place. Like you said, everything hurt. It was one thing that I couldn’t just work a little harder at and overcome. Our son was an adult. I knew deep down that I’d needed to go through hard things in order to make my faith my own, so this might be what my son needed to truly encounter Jesus. But it was still so scary!!! I felt like I did everything wrong. The only right thing I could seem to do was pray.
You know what I just realized? When people ask me, “What brought him around?” I can’t take any credit. All I can say is, “I don’t know” and give the credit to prayer and God. I wonder if every parent must endure something that we can’t fix–something that we know only God can handle. Something that forces us to entrust that child to Him. When our kids are on the other side, we don’t get to brag about the amazing parenting skills that turned them around like we did when they kept coming home from school with warning notes about talking in class, and that nifty behavior chart that we made with stickers and a prize at the end worked. All we can do is thank God!
I love you, Marci! Remember–you’re a good mom.
I think that it is easy to assume that the Lord gives us our kids to help raise, but in reality I think it is often the other way around. I think sometimes He uses our kids to help grow us up. Pressing on and praying it forward. Thanks, friend.
Thanks for that gentle reminder Fran. You are an inspiration to me.
This has blazed a new trail in the Seither Parenting story for sure, but I know that in the end there are still three things that remain. Faith. Hope. Love. And the greatest of these is Love..Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.
Thanks so much Karen. I know there are hurting people all around us. Sometimes we see the shattering, sometimes we don’t, but being able to pick up the pieces and place them in God’s hands is a great comfort indeed.
Thanks Viola! What a joy it was to spend time getting to know you this past summer!
Sometimes it is easier to just share recipes. Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers.
At the end of the day, the truth is, God is still in control, we love our kids, pain is part of life.
Joleen, so sorry to hear about the pain you have carried as well. When our kids are growing up we hope they make decisions that will be void of regret, disappointment, and pain. Sometimes they have to learn it for themselves. Sometimes we do too. Watching and moving forward.
Dear Marci,
Please don’t let other people’s comments discourage you. Your pain is real and harsh. No one can tell you what you should or should not be feeling, or comparing your feelings and hurt with anyone else. Only you know how you feel, how this life event is affecting you. Love you — Carrie
I needed this tonight. Thank you.